Press Release 2025
Spectrum Financial Consulting today announced an unprecedented collaboration with Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) to accelerate the financial return of America and its citizens. While DOGE has made a name for itself in slashing U.S. federal government costs, this partnership will unleash a torrential flood of new revenues for America and the general Treasury. By combining DOGE’s tech support with the newly created Cybernetic Automated Treasury Enhancers (CATEs), this partnership will trigger an unprecedented surge in national wealth and Treasury revenues, fueling ludicrous GDP growth. It’ll be raining CATEs and DOGEs.
Since its inception, DOGE has dramatically slashed government expenses but has also increased unemployment by 200,000 to 220,000 government employees, likely affecting a similar number of contractor jobs. Federal payments for goods and services have plummeted, even impacting farmers who previously sold nearly $20 billion in grain to now-defunct USAID aid programs. With arms shipments to Ukraine paused, defense contractors stand to lose $21 billion in revenue this year. These trends—combined with tariff impacts—have led to a $3.5 trillion decline in US market capitalization, while the Atlanta Fed’s GDPNow estimates a $50 billion drop in GDP this quarter suggesting a drop of $203 billion for the year. While this "short term pain" from "little disturbance" may lead to some hoped for long term gain, clearly, some positive economic news is needed.
The solution? CATEs—a fleet of robotic Cyber-CATEs programmed to chase optimized profits with laser focus.
CATEs are Artificially Intelligent Agents powered by Logic-Constrained Symbolic Processing, coupled with the ease of use found in Large Language Models. These AI-driven financial predators are spawned in litters, analyzing global stock and bond markets with parallel processing capabilities that allow them to evaluate entire portfolios in seconds. Leveraging predictive AI techniques (originally designed for the much-loved text autocorrect), CATEs anticipate market shifts and adjust user portfolios accordingly—on a second-by-second basis. Then, following their agile, cheetah-like trading frenzy, the CATEs gracefully retire to a full 364-day nap.
“CATEs and DOGEs, working together at last,” declared Steve Wilkus, founder of Spectrum Financial Consulting and newly minted “Chief CATE Herder.” “The CATEs combine DOGE’s obsession with "efficiency" and disregard for stability or accountability with our interest in growth and prosperity for all. These AI-powered feline financiers don’t just make the economy purr—they pounce on profit opportunities across the multiverse of parallel computation, housed in repurposed crypto mining facilities.”
CATEs are AI agents that trade international funds, bonds, and stocks, syncing to subscribers’ investment accounts via a DOGE-approved blockchain collar. Once activated, they dart through massive, dynamic databases, chasing “red-dot returns” to maximize market yields. In early tests, one CATE transformed a $5 coffee budget into a controlling stake in a Martian catnip plantation—and another managed to not lose money on a $MELANIA Coin, an impressive accomplishment in itself.
The catch? CATEs operate for just 24 hours, starting at midnight on April 1, 2025, before they return to napping. Act fast—these CATEs will soon scamper back into Schrödinger’s quantum litter box, where their profitability remains both confirmed and uncertain.
About Spectrum Financial Consulting,
Spectrum Financial Consulting, LLC and principal Stephen Wilkus have been distributing April Fools’ Day press releases such as this since 2010 (archived here), poking fun at wireless hype and sharing a few observations about the issues of the day. Spectrum Financial Consulting celebrates the progress and utility of wireless and satellite technology and hopes that you enjoy our April Fools’ Day humor highlighting (and comically extrapolating) that progress.
While my estimates of the impacts of DOGE are best estimates they were checked by Grok 3 and CoPilot, even so there is great volatility in the markets lately and varying policies, court cases and judgements can have substantive impacts on future performance.
To be clear, this is an April Fools’ Day prank. No cats, robotic or otherwise, were deployed. CATEs aren't real (yet), and your money’s safe from quantum felines. Happy April 1st!